Our CPS worker came for a home visit yesterday. She's leaving. Big surprise, huh? She's actually been reassigned to investigation, but still will be in the same office. She expressed some concerns about the case. She has also come to love these boys and is concerned about what will happen to them if they are returned to their biological family. At the moment, the parents are doing the minimum to get them back. Unfortunately, this is a system that put the minimum line down, and that is "good enough" to return children. Unless there is reasonable doubt, and an ability to prove it in court, that the children will be harmed in the future.
During our conversation I asked if it would be a good idea to put them on the prayer chain. Her response was, "yes, they need as much as they can get, and I'll be shooting some prayers for them too."
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
We've passed the one year mark
On November 30th it was the one year mark of the boys being in our household. We also had court that morning. It was a very frustrating day. We got to court, and once we were in the courtroom, they did not speak about my boys at all. Since their older half-brother is also in foster care, they spoke about him. Then court recessed until January. I am frustrated with "the system". The boys are on their 4th case manager, and this past week she told me that by the time all is said and done, they will probably be in our household for another year. Really!? What happened to all those laws about kids having their permanency plan before the one year mark!?
I do not see how this is helping the children in any way. How in the world is it helpful for small children to create strong bonds and attachments if there is a likelihood of them going back to their biological family?!
I do not see how this is helping the children in any way. How in the world is it helpful for small children to create strong bonds and attachments if there is a likelihood of them going back to their biological family?!
Monday, October 24, 2011
My Latest Epiphany
Tonight I was discussing Christmas present ideas with my Mother-in-Law and I told her that MrMonkey is "into" dinosaurs and dragons and MrBrawn is "into" Monster Trucks and other big machinery. That's a pretty normal conversation, right?But as I drove away, I realized that even 6 months ago these boys were not "into" anything! We had several gift giving occasions when all of us adults would scratch our heads wondering what to get them.
I called my dad. "Dad, remember in college, we learned about that guy, Maslow maybe, that said there was a pyramid of needs?" "Yes, Maslows Heirarchy of Needs" "Well, I think I have seen it in action."
According to this theory, built into a pyramid, without our basic needs being met, we cannot focus on anything else.
Obviously at least some of their basic Physiological needs were being met before they came to our house. I am not sure, even, where taking an interest in certain types of toys would fit on this pyramid. However, I can say that I strongly feel like they have gone from being on the bottom rung to knowing that their Physiological and Safety needs are being met and they are working through the Love and Belonging and Esteem tiers. Those of you who know these boys and love them as dearly as we do, what do you think?
I called my dad. "Dad, remember in college, we learned about that guy, Maslow maybe, that said there was a pyramid of needs?" "Yes, Maslows Heirarchy of Needs" "Well, I think I have seen it in action."
According to this theory, built into a pyramid, without our basic needs being met, we cannot focus on anything else.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Do I feel the winds of change?
When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills
(Chinese proverb)
The boys have been with us for over 10 months now. They met their new caseworker, Kate, on Thursday. She is young, but seems to have a no-nonsense approach to things. I had met her last Tuesday at an FCRB (Foster Care Review Board).
This is the second FCRB that we've had. They are a bi-annual event in which a group of representatives hears details about the case and then brings that information back to the judge. Herein lies a point of interest. Children under the age of 36 months are supposed to have a permanency plan within 6 months of the case being opened. Hmm, and yet, we're at our second FCRB?
Anyway, CPS and I were the only ones who attended the FCRB. Am I the only one who thinks it odd that the biological mother did not attend a very important meeting?! Since BioMom has another child in protective care, there was a lot of talk about him, and not so much about my boys. I left feeling as though I had wasted my time. But, I did get to meet Kate; and I was there to show my support for my little guys.
On Thursday we talked a bit more in depth. Kate had a ton of questions. I asked her if she got a think folder and she told that just for this case she was given 8 files about 2 inches thick each! Since there have been so many caseworkers, and since this is a two cases in one situation, information is hard to find and misfiled. I attempted to get her caught up with the case as much as possible.
Today was a big day in our household. MrBrawn started his first day of public preschool. We all got up early, and then loaded into the car to drive a couple hundred feet to the bus stop. He was so excited. As we got closer to the school bus, though, he clung tighter to my hand. By the time we made it to the doors, I had to pick him up onto the bus.
This was scary for me, too. This baby, whom I’ve been caring for almost a year, had to climb onto a huge school bus, much bigger than I remember them being, then go to a school site, get off the school bus, then be loaded onto a shuttle bus, and then delivered to his school. My heart was anxious as I anticipated his fear and all the newness of school. What if he didn’t know where to go? What if he got lost in the shuffle? What if he wandered off?
Today was an early day. He has early days for the first half of the week; Thursday and Friday are full days. True to first day of school form, his bus was nearly an hour late bringing him home. He had fallen asleep just before arriving home. As he wearily climbed off the bus he said to me, “Mom, I was on a couple buses today, I think like 4.” My heart swelled with pride that my 4 year old had gone out into the world and conquered it.
While MrBrawn was riding buses all over the county, all of us on the CFT (Child Family Team) had a teleconference this morning. This meeting should happen monthly, and recently has begun to. During the meeting we discuss the boys' strengths and improvements, needs, and any other points of concern. Also during this time CPS does a "staffing" in which all the "staff" (mental health workers, visit supervisor, CPS, etc) discuss the case plan and if the parents are following it.
For a while I have been frustrated because these little boys are traveling all over the place and are not able to be home at a decent time most nights of the week, but especially Wednesday which seems to create some naughty behaviors. We, as a team, were able to come up with a plan that they will now go to their mother's house one day per week for 4 hours, instead of 2 days per week for 2 hours. I am excited to see how this all works out!
After the meeting Kate called me to ask me some more questions. It is encouraging to have had so much contact from her already. She has apologized that the system has already let these boys down and she seems to have made it her personal goal to bring some type of permanency to their lives. And this is the part that I always get to..... I guess we'll wait and see.....
While MrBrawn was riding buses all over the county, all of us on the CFT (Child Family Team) had a teleconference this morning. This meeting should happen monthly, and recently has begun to. During the meeting we discuss the boys' strengths and improvements, needs, and any other points of concern. Also during this time CPS does a "staffing" in which all the "staff" (mental health workers, visit supervisor, CPS, etc) discuss the case plan and if the parents are following it.
For a while I have been frustrated because these little boys are traveling all over the place and are not able to be home at a decent time most nights of the week, but especially Wednesday which seems to create some naughty behaviors. We, as a team, were able to come up with a plan that they will now go to their mother's house one day per week for 4 hours, instead of 2 days per week for 2 hours. I am excited to see how this all works out!
After the meeting Kate called me to ask me some more questions. It is encouraging to have had so much contact from her already. She has apologized that the system has already let these boys down and she seems to have made it her personal goal to bring some type of permanency to their lives. And this is the part that I always get to..... I guess we'll wait and see.....
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
This is not a quick process
We had another court date today. It got a little tense during the middle. The State, which is CPS, stated that they would like a concurrent plan, that means 2 plans at once, one to reunify the family, and one to severe and adopt. At first, the children's attorney concurred, but then he changed his recomendation to severance and adoption, stating that the CASA would have more to say. Mother's attorney stated that she is complying with the case plan. Father's attorney requested a Supplemental Permanency Hearing since Father is incarcerated until Thanksgiving. CASA then stated that MrBrawn has an unusual fetish with his penis and recommends the services of a Master Counselor. At that point we had some discussion about the behaviors and I informed the judge about the doctor appointment a few weeks back and what had occurred. Infant and Child Development Department brought to attention that MrMonkey is already 2 years old so we need to make a final decision soon according to law. There will be a trial for the parents of the other child in this case, who does not live with us, the beginning of November. We go back to court on November 30th, exactly one year after placement.
At that point, MrMonkey will have lived with us for 44% of his life! MrBrawn will have been with us for 21% of his life. 21% of my life, would be nearly 7 years! This can not be healthy for these babies.
As we've said each time, we'll just keep loving them and giving them a good foundation, and see what happens.
At that point, MrMonkey will have lived with us for 44% of his life! MrBrawn will have been with us for 21% of his life. 21% of my life, would be nearly 7 years! This can not be healthy for these babies.
As we've said each time, we'll just keep loving them and giving them a good foundation, and see what happens.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The rambling in my brain
I went to a Confidentiality Training last Saturday as it pertains to Foster Care. It was basically as waste of my time since the speaker was not really prepared for a bunch of strong willed foster parents with lots of questions. The only thing I learned was that if I break the law it will cost me a lot of money and maybe some time in jail. But, is this a form of breaching confidentiality? Have I given any confidential information to you? Would you know be able to identify the Case Plan? Would you be able to identify the biological family? Or the children themselves if you did not see them with me? I believe that I am protecting my children's confidential information while still sharing this extremely emotional journey. Though, the lady tried to tell me that I cannot even give a specific court date, such as "pray for me on the 18th because we're going to court". Personally, I think she's a bit carried away. So what if I'm going to court that day? So what if I tell you? If you know that I am a foster parent, then you know that I go to court. Most foster parents have more than one placement at a time, and I am not identifying which placement or why I am going to court. So, please pray for me, because we're going to court the middle of next week. Is that good enough? :)
We've had another roller coaster month. Since we do have court at the end of the month, all of the grown ups in charge of the kids have to see them within 30 days of the court date. Of course, with all those interviews, which I have to speak for the children during, the whole history of the case is reviewed. I realized last week that I have been holding some very hard feelings against the biological family and I need to forgive them. I've prayed about it a lot, but I don't think I've successfully forgiven them yet.
I heard through the grapevine, you know those other people bound to confidentiality laws, that the court case is ongoing for older brother. I now understand why kids in the foster care system are there for so long. Court is nearly always scheduled for 3 months out and never are decisions made quickly. While it seems like it would be best, this is not a decision to be made quickly or lightly. If the decision to place them back into the home of the biological family is made too rapidly, there is a chance of putting the children into danger. If the decision to sever them from family is made too quickly the children may lose the chance to live with their family despite their parents straightening their life out.
I feel so torn. I know these children's parents love them. I also know that there is a history of at least one parent having been a foster child them self. I am sure that neither parent was given great foundation for raising children well.
On the other hand, I feel that the parents are very selfish and self-centered. We rarely receive phone calls, though they have unlimited permission to call (though the children have to be on speaker phone for supervision purposes, a common practice in foster care). If my children were in care you can bet your bottom dollar I would call everyday! Or at the very least, every other day. When they do call I coach the children on sharing what they are doing, but it is hard to keep them caught up on the daily lives of active children without consistent communication. How is that preparing for having them back in their home?
These babies are growing so quickly, and they are missing it! I am so blessed to see these children growing and blossoming.
MrMonkey who knew less than 8 words at placement now speaks in complete sentences, and even paragraphs! He's at the top of his 2 year old class. He's nearly doubled in height, though his weight has stayed about the same. He finally is mostly free of a constantly runny nose. He knows nearly every color in the rainbow and loves to impart his knowledge.
MrBrawn, oh what progress he's shown! Remember, the F bomb being dropped every third word? The complete lack of understanding when he was disciplined? No knowledge that a dirty diaper was gross and unacceptable for a big boy? Virtually no knowledge of letters, numbers, shapes, colors? Well, he now is so well behaved (most of the time) that he asked me, "Mama, may I get into these things?" (He was talking about my office supplies, highlighters, scissors, etc.) He knows how to count to twenty and is beginning to identify the actual numeral. He can correctly identify all of the letters of the alphabet, and he knows all his shapes and colors. He is learning to write his name and has begun Jui Juitsu class.
I try not to let my Mama Bear brain get going when I think about these kids. What if they go back? Will they lose all this progress? Will MrMonkey be taken off his medication and go back to being a sickly child? Will it become acceptable to use every 4 letter word known to man? Will they be hurt? Abused? Neglected? And if they go back into care, it is nearly guaranteed they will not come back to our home.
Once again, I need to give it to the Lord, and rest in the knowledge that these are His babies first and foremost. I'd love to hear what any of you readers has to say.
We've had another roller coaster month. Since we do have court at the end of the month, all of the grown ups in charge of the kids have to see them within 30 days of the court date. Of course, with all those interviews, which I have to speak for the children during, the whole history of the case is reviewed. I realized last week that I have been holding some very hard feelings against the biological family and I need to forgive them. I've prayed about it a lot, but I don't think I've successfully forgiven them yet.
I heard through the grapevine, you know those other people bound to confidentiality laws, that the court case is ongoing for older brother. I now understand why kids in the foster care system are there for so long. Court is nearly always scheduled for 3 months out and never are decisions made quickly. While it seems like it would be best, this is not a decision to be made quickly or lightly. If the decision to place them back into the home of the biological family is made too rapidly, there is a chance of putting the children into danger. If the decision to sever them from family is made too quickly the children may lose the chance to live with their family despite their parents straightening their life out.
I feel so torn. I know these children's parents love them. I also know that there is a history of at least one parent having been a foster child them self. I am sure that neither parent was given great foundation for raising children well.
On the other hand, I feel that the parents are very selfish and self-centered. We rarely receive phone calls, though they have unlimited permission to call (though the children have to be on speaker phone for supervision purposes, a common practice in foster care). If my children were in care you can bet your bottom dollar I would call everyday! Or at the very least, every other day. When they do call I coach the children on sharing what they are doing, but it is hard to keep them caught up on the daily lives of active children without consistent communication. How is that preparing for having them back in their home?
These babies are growing so quickly, and they are missing it! I am so blessed to see these children growing and blossoming.
MrMonkey who knew less than 8 words at placement now speaks in complete sentences, and even paragraphs! He's at the top of his 2 year old class. He's nearly doubled in height, though his weight has stayed about the same. He finally is mostly free of a constantly runny nose. He knows nearly every color in the rainbow and loves to impart his knowledge.
MrBrawn, oh what progress he's shown! Remember, the F bomb being dropped every third word? The complete lack of understanding when he was disciplined? No knowledge that a dirty diaper was gross and unacceptable for a big boy? Virtually no knowledge of letters, numbers, shapes, colors? Well, he now is so well behaved (most of the time) that he asked me, "Mama, may I get into these things?" (He was talking about my office supplies, highlighters, scissors, etc.) He knows how to count to twenty and is beginning to identify the actual numeral. He can correctly identify all of the letters of the alphabet, and he knows all his shapes and colors. He is learning to write his name and has begun Jui Juitsu class.
I try not to let my Mama Bear brain get going when I think about these kids. What if they go back? Will they lose all this progress? Will MrMonkey be taken off his medication and go back to being a sickly child? Will it become acceptable to use every 4 letter word known to man? Will they be hurt? Abused? Neglected? And if they go back into care, it is nearly guaranteed they will not come back to our home.
Once again, I need to give it to the Lord, and rest in the knowledge that these are His babies first and foremost. I'd love to hear what any of you readers has to say.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Moving Forward
The boys' half-brother had a court hearing a few weeks ago. At that hearing the case plan was changed to "severance for adoption by non-relative". After he is severed they will no longer see each other. The reason for this is that they never lived together as siblings, and the older brother asked to remain separated.
I am unsure how this will affect my boys' case. I am sure that it will have some weight on the matter. BioMom plans to have all her ducks in a row before we go back to court at the end of August.
I am unsure how this will affect my boys' case. I am sure that it will have some weight on the matter. BioMom plans to have all her ducks in a row before we go back to court at the end of August.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
An interesting observation
The last few nights I've observed something. I am not sure if this is new or if it has just recently caught my eye.
Most children sleep with abandon. You know what I mean, right? Their legs and arms are flopped every which-way, mouths gaping open, blankets tussled around them. MrBrawn sleeps, at least recently, on his back, eyes gently closed, mouth gently closed, arms folded on his chest/tummy. Each time I have checked in on the kids this week, I find him, lying perfectly still, as though he is pretending. I even turned on the light and took a picture tonight, he's not pretending!
I think this is a new occurrence. He has fallen out of bed in the past, he also has had a habit of yelling out in his sleep. I wonder if there are any studies about our sleep postures? Or the sleep postures of little ones. This little one has the weight of the world on his shoulders. My heart aches for him. I want so badly to make everything better for him, but it is not in my control. I will just continue to love on him and see where it goes from here.
Most children sleep with abandon. You know what I mean, right? Their legs and arms are flopped every which-way, mouths gaping open, blankets tussled around them. MrBrawn sleeps, at least recently, on his back, eyes gently closed, mouth gently closed, arms folded on his chest/tummy. Each time I have checked in on the kids this week, I find him, lying perfectly still, as though he is pretending. I even turned on the light and took a picture tonight, he's not pretending!
I think this is a new occurrence. He has fallen out of bed in the past, he also has had a habit of yelling out in his sleep. I wonder if there are any studies about our sleep postures? Or the sleep postures of little ones. This little one has the weight of the world on his shoulders. My heart aches for him. I want so badly to make everything better for him, but it is not in my control. I will just continue to love on him and see where it goes from here.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Oh that boy!
MrBrawn was full of it last night! First he didn't want to share the salt shake with MsBrains, so he dumped the whole thing onto his own plate. Then, MsBrains came running to tell me that he cut his hair. I went into the bathroom and he told me "I put it back", there was a pretty good chuck of hair that fell to the floor when I ran my hands through his hair but no bald spots.
When they called their parents, she told me that "Daddy had said goodbye" and the MrBrawn was pretty upset. I heard MrBrawn tell MsBrains when they got home that his daddy would be going to jail for a few minutes (really, it's a few months, but time is a tough concept). The parents also told me that the first normal visit of the week next week is cancelled because Dad will be turning himself in. MrBrawn is not yet aware of that.
Sometimes I wonder what is truly best for the children. They are much more "stable" when they are here without any visits. But, I know they love their parents and I know I would want to see my parents, faults and all, if I was in the situation as a child. Our system is certainly not perfect, but what would be a better option? Since I'm not in charge of those things I will just keep loving on these little guys and making life as stable for them as I can.
When they called their parents, she told me that "Daddy had said goodbye" and the MrBrawn was pretty upset. I heard MrBrawn tell MsBrains when they got home that his daddy would be going to jail for a few minutes (really, it's a few months, but time is a tough concept). The parents also told me that the first normal visit of the week next week is cancelled because Dad will be turning himself in. MrBrawn is not yet aware of that.
Sometimes I wonder what is truly best for the children. They are much more "stable" when they are here without any visits. But, I know they love their parents and I know I would want to see my parents, faults and all, if I was in the situation as a child. Our system is certainly not perfect, but what would be a better option? Since I'm not in charge of those things I will just keep loving on these little guys and making life as stable for them as I can.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
A whirlwind of emotions
This past week and a half has been FULL. It marks the one year anniversary of my father's in law death. He was hospitalized for a routine gallbladder infection and become progressively more ill until he was send home to hospice; except he waited to go until he was in his driveway, so he wasn't actually home, nor was he actually in the care of the hospital. Leave it to him to do things his own way!
Anyway, since he is a veteran and his family is buried at Fort Rosecrans in California we had to wait until this year to do the veteran's memorial service there. At the same time we had a whole family vacation with all of Dad's kids, spouses, and grandkids, some of whom he had not met.
Since the boys had never met Papa, we decided to use Respite care for them. Respite care is when another foster family takes them into their home for a predetermined amount of time. We dropped them off at preschool on Thursday and then left for San Diego.
After three kids, caring for one seemed like a breeze! It was easy to navigate potty stops and lunch breaks and by Thursday evening we were at the hotel. Friday morning was the memorial service, followed by some time at the beach. I found myself truly starting to relax. I was able to take pictures and videos without fear of who I was catching in the scene. I was able to focus my attention on my darling, baby girl. What a cutie she is!
Saturday we went to Sea World. We rented a double stroller for my girl and a cousin and off we went to tackle the park. She truly had fun, and so did I. After lunch we went back to the hotel for a nap, and I slept, hard as a rock. It was around this time I started feeling guilty. Shouldn't I miss my boys a little more? I DID miss them but Why was I ecstatic about how easy it is to care for one child? Did I get so caught up in wanting to have a family that I tried to force it? But we felt that God had clearly told us to go forward in this... But life would be so much easier if we only had our one child. And we could give her so much more. More time, more resources, more space. But then she would be lonely...
Sunday we spent the day traveling back home. I continued contemplating this. Just weeks ago I was so sure that I wanted these boys in our family forever and now I sat wondering. Monday is a day that they normally go to preschool and then are picked up and taken for a family visit and then returned to our home, so we would not see them until Monday evening.
Monday my sister in law and I went to Las Vegas to do some shopping. By the time we returned the kids were all sleeping. Tuesday morning was a pretty normal morning. I got extra hugs and kisses from the boys and my heart welled up with love for them. We had a pretty typical day, but it was sooo loud! Is it loud because they are boys? Because there are now four kids instead of two? Because there is not a lot of sound deadening items in our house yet?
Wednesday I babysat a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both boys. My boys were again at preschool and then a visit. The day went quite smoothly. Why did it seem to be smoother with these boys than mine? Because they are foster kids? Because all three kids are within 26 months of each other and this was a wider spread? Do we really want to continue doing this?
At one point I have a private conversation with my daughter- Do you like having your brothers here? Do you want them to stay or leave? Her answer, "I like having them here, I like to play with them, but sometimes I want them to leave cuz they bug me." Huh. "Well," I tell her, "that is how most people feel about their brothers and sisters." And I know this is true.
During the Tuesday to Thursday time frame, the parents in law of my sister in law were also in town visiting. Since they are "outsiders" there was some added stress. Thursday I put both boys in preschool, though the younger normally stays home, I was emotionally exhausted and needed a break. And take a break I did! So much so that my sis in law asked me at 5 when I needed to get the boys and I realized that I had completely zoned that part out! More guilt.
We had a family dinner at Grandma's, something that has not been a frequent occurrence. I realized on the way to get the boys that Grandma's house is an oasis of girl friendly everything, but nothing that is boy friendly, no wonder they want to touch everything! So, I stopped off and got a few boy toys to stay at Grandma's. I think that helped a little. But, the in-laws of the in-laws were still there so it was still a bit tense. We managed to do some fun stuff with all 4 kids and then I carted them home. As I was feeling frustrated with my emotions I told the kids The Plan. "When we get home, you are going to take off your shoes, go potty, put on a pull-up, put on pajamas, and head for your bed." I did this in hopes that they would follow the plan, but not really expecting them to. Wouldn't you know, MrBrawn immediately followed the plan exactly, while MsBrains played and stalled.
Friday we had a portrait appointment planned. Originally we thought it would be neat to have all the kids involved, but the thought of 4 kids age 4 and under in that tiny studio made me break into a sweat so I made arrangements for them to spend a little extra time at preschool. I was now at the point of thinking, "We need to just quit being foster parents and focus on the one child that God has given us."
It was after dark when I picked them up and as we drove home MsBrains said, "now let me tell you the plan". MrBrawn said, "I know the plan, take off our shoes, go potty, put on a pull up, put on pajamas, and go to bed." My heart swelled with pride! Again HE was the one to successfully follow the plan while she was a stinker every step of the way.
We woke up on Saturday morning and his obedience dumbfounded me, while her stubbornness frustrated me. Maybe it's not because they are foster kids? Maybe it's all age appropriate? After all, last summer while family was in town I forgot about her while she was at day care. And I've resented her in the past for making life a little harder. So, am I feeling normal feelings for a mother of three small kids?
I think that is the conclusion that I have come to. Yes, it was nice to have just the one child while we went to San Diego. I think it was also quite appropriate since they were not in the family during that part of our life. Yes, three kids so close in age is difficult, but this is only a stage. Before I blink they will be one more year older (depending on how long the boys stay with us). We will continue to train them to behave appropriately, now not just for our home but for more venues. We may attempt to visit Grandma once in a while and train them what is acceptable there. And, while they are having their family visits, I will make sure to take some time out for my own biological family. I think that this will allow us to have the "best of both worlds". At least for now.
Anyway, since he is a veteran and his family is buried at Fort Rosecrans in California we had to wait until this year to do the veteran's memorial service there. At the same time we had a whole family vacation with all of Dad's kids, spouses, and grandkids, some of whom he had not met.
Since the boys had never met Papa, we decided to use Respite care for them. Respite care is when another foster family takes them into their home for a predetermined amount of time. We dropped them off at preschool on Thursday and then left for San Diego.
After three kids, caring for one seemed like a breeze! It was easy to navigate potty stops and lunch breaks and by Thursday evening we were at the hotel. Friday morning was the memorial service, followed by some time at the beach. I found myself truly starting to relax. I was able to take pictures and videos without fear of who I was catching in the scene. I was able to focus my attention on my darling, baby girl. What a cutie she is!
Saturday we went to Sea World. We rented a double stroller for my girl and a cousin and off we went to tackle the park. She truly had fun, and so did I. After lunch we went back to the hotel for a nap, and I slept, hard as a rock. It was around this time I started feeling guilty. Shouldn't I miss my boys a little more? I DID miss them but Why was I ecstatic about how easy it is to care for one child? Did I get so caught up in wanting to have a family that I tried to force it? But we felt that God had clearly told us to go forward in this... But life would be so much easier if we only had our one child. And we could give her so much more. More time, more resources, more space. But then she would be lonely...
Sunday we spent the day traveling back home. I continued contemplating this. Just weeks ago I was so sure that I wanted these boys in our family forever and now I sat wondering. Monday is a day that they normally go to preschool and then are picked up and taken for a family visit and then returned to our home, so we would not see them until Monday evening.
Monday my sister in law and I went to Las Vegas to do some shopping. By the time we returned the kids were all sleeping. Tuesday morning was a pretty normal morning. I got extra hugs and kisses from the boys and my heart welled up with love for them. We had a pretty typical day, but it was sooo loud! Is it loud because they are boys? Because there are now four kids instead of two? Because there is not a lot of sound deadening items in our house yet?
Wednesday I babysat a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both boys. My boys were again at preschool and then a visit. The day went quite smoothly. Why did it seem to be smoother with these boys than mine? Because they are foster kids? Because all three kids are within 26 months of each other and this was a wider spread? Do we really want to continue doing this?
At one point I have a private conversation with my daughter- Do you like having your brothers here? Do you want them to stay or leave? Her answer, "I like having them here, I like to play with them, but sometimes I want them to leave cuz they bug me." Huh. "Well," I tell her, "that is how most people feel about their brothers and sisters." And I know this is true.
During the Tuesday to Thursday time frame, the parents in law of my sister in law were also in town visiting. Since they are "outsiders" there was some added stress. Thursday I put both boys in preschool, though the younger normally stays home, I was emotionally exhausted and needed a break. And take a break I did! So much so that my sis in law asked me at 5 when I needed to get the boys and I realized that I had completely zoned that part out! More guilt.
We had a family dinner at Grandma's, something that has not been a frequent occurrence. I realized on the way to get the boys that Grandma's house is an oasis of girl friendly everything, but nothing that is boy friendly, no wonder they want to touch everything! So, I stopped off and got a few boy toys to stay at Grandma's. I think that helped a little. But, the in-laws of the in-laws were still there so it was still a bit tense. We managed to do some fun stuff with all 4 kids and then I carted them home. As I was feeling frustrated with my emotions I told the kids The Plan. "When we get home, you are going to take off your shoes, go potty, put on a pull-up, put on pajamas, and head for your bed." I did this in hopes that they would follow the plan, but not really expecting them to. Wouldn't you know, MrBrawn immediately followed the plan exactly, while MsBrains played and stalled.
Friday we had a portrait appointment planned. Originally we thought it would be neat to have all the kids involved, but the thought of 4 kids age 4 and under in that tiny studio made me break into a sweat so I made arrangements for them to spend a little extra time at preschool. I was now at the point of thinking, "We need to just quit being foster parents and focus on the one child that God has given us."
It was after dark when I picked them up and as we drove home MsBrains said, "now let me tell you the plan". MrBrawn said, "I know the plan, take off our shoes, go potty, put on a pull up, put on pajamas, and go to bed." My heart swelled with pride! Again HE was the one to successfully follow the plan while she was a stinker every step of the way.
We woke up on Saturday morning and his obedience dumbfounded me, while her stubbornness frustrated me. Maybe it's not because they are foster kids? Maybe it's all age appropriate? After all, last summer while family was in town I forgot about her while she was at day care. And I've resented her in the past for making life a little harder. So, am I feeling normal feelings for a mother of three small kids?
I think that is the conclusion that I have come to. Yes, it was nice to have just the one child while we went to San Diego. I think it was also quite appropriate since they were not in the family during that part of our life. Yes, three kids so close in age is difficult, but this is only a stage. Before I blink they will be one more year older (depending on how long the boys stay with us). We will continue to train them to behave appropriately, now not just for our home but for more venues. We may attempt to visit Grandma once in a while and train them what is acceptable there. And, while they are having their family visits, I will make sure to take some time out for my own biological family. I think that this will allow us to have the "best of both worlds". At least for now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
What a change 7 months makes
When MrBrawn first came to our house I thought, "this kid is as dumb as a box of rocks". I've never thought that about a kid before! When I would put him on time out I would ask "why are you on time out?" his reply, "Cuz I wanna play with a dump truck" "No, you are on time out because you said the F word, why are you on time out?" "Cuz I wanna play with my dump truck" This would go on for the entire 3 minutes of time out!
Now nearly 7 months have passed. He's become quite articulate and very verbal. He can memorize quickly and remembers details well. We passed a house that we had been at once 3 months later, from a different direction and he pointed at it and said "Mommy, we were there once!"
To hear him pray will increase your faith. He goes to God with everything. He loves to watch Veggie tales and re-tell Bible stories.
We put in a new gate on the front yard and he was able to get out in less than three minutes. This is no ordinary gate. It is the kind that is state approved to put on a pool fence because it is virtually unworkable by small children.
Unfortunately, because he is so smart, he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. The judge wants kids to be at every court hearing if possible. After this last court hearing he acted out so strongly. He wrapped a long, thin toy around his neck. He told me he was going to cut me and my family and throw us in a fire. When I asked what fire he told me there is a volcano between here and his visit. He wants to go home. He's been told by birth family that all they have to do is get a job and a place to live and he can go home, so he is pinning his hopes on that. But, he heard the judge scold his parent. He also will bring up "the ambulance dropped me off at your house" occasionally. I've corrected him and reminded him that the ambulance does not take people to houses and another lady brought him to me. I've also reiterated that it is not my decision if he stays here or not, and that only the judge makes that decision.
In the past we've talked about the fact that my job is to keep my kids safe. I've told him that when the ambulance took him to the hospital the judge wanted to make sure that he would be safe so he was sent to my house and now the grown ups have lots of business to do to make sure that he will always be safe.
On Monday his daddy told him that he would be going to jail for a while. He explained to MrBrawn that he had made a bad choice and had the car accident and now he had to go on a long time out. MrBrawn often tells my daughter information before me and I heard him telling her in the car on Monday evening that he did not like that his daddy would be going to jail but that he "maked" a bad choice and had to.
That night as he was settling down before bed I noticed a behavior that I had only seen a couple of other times. As he was driving his car he would say "oh no daddy, watch out, kkssshhh (sound of crashing) and crash his car. He repeatedly crashed his car and has continued to do so.
Preschool has reported a marked improvement in him. They say he is coming out of his shell. He has friends and is learning a lot. Today both of the boys didn't even give me kisses or hugs, just kind of waved over their shoulder as they headed in for some fun.
Now nearly 7 months have passed. He's become quite articulate and very verbal. He can memorize quickly and remembers details well. We passed a house that we had been at once 3 months later, from a different direction and he pointed at it and said "Mommy, we were there once!"
To hear him pray will increase your faith. He goes to God with everything. He loves to watch Veggie tales and re-tell Bible stories.
We put in a new gate on the front yard and he was able to get out in less than three minutes. This is no ordinary gate. It is the kind that is state approved to put on a pool fence because it is virtually unworkable by small children.
Unfortunately, because he is so smart, he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. The judge wants kids to be at every court hearing if possible. After this last court hearing he acted out so strongly. He wrapped a long, thin toy around his neck. He told me he was going to cut me and my family and throw us in a fire. When I asked what fire he told me there is a volcano between here and his visit. He wants to go home. He's been told by birth family that all they have to do is get a job and a place to live and he can go home, so he is pinning his hopes on that. But, he heard the judge scold his parent. He also will bring up "the ambulance dropped me off at your house" occasionally. I've corrected him and reminded him that the ambulance does not take people to houses and another lady brought him to me. I've also reiterated that it is not my decision if he stays here or not, and that only the judge makes that decision.
In the past we've talked about the fact that my job is to keep my kids safe. I've told him that when the ambulance took him to the hospital the judge wanted to make sure that he would be safe so he was sent to my house and now the grown ups have lots of business to do to make sure that he will always be safe.
On Monday his daddy told him that he would be going to jail for a while. He explained to MrBrawn that he had made a bad choice and had the car accident and now he had to go on a long time out. MrBrawn often tells my daughter information before me and I heard him telling her in the car on Monday evening that he did not like that his daddy would be going to jail but that he "maked" a bad choice and had to.
That night as he was settling down before bed I noticed a behavior that I had only seen a couple of other times. As he was driving his car he would say "oh no daddy, watch out, kkssshhh (sound of crashing) and crash his car. He repeatedly crashed his car and has continued to do so.
Preschool has reported a marked improvement in him. They say he is coming out of his shell. He has friends and is learning a lot. Today both of the boys didn't even give me kisses or hugs, just kind of waved over their shoulder as they headed in for some fun.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Now Mr Monkey starts to act funny....
I believe I've discovered the source of some of MrMonkey's scratches and bruises. I heard him crying out and went to check on him, to see him get out of bed, bounce off the closet door, into the dresser, stumble, regain footing, the whole while saying "I gonna get it, I gonna get it" went to the toy area, found a toy, back to bed, bumping his head in the process, and then back to sleep.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
We're starting to get concerned....
When MrBrawn came to our household we had some concerns, he seemed obsessed with things having to do with "pee-pees", butts, poop, and other things of that sort. This was at the same time as we were trying to remove the f word from his vocabulary, along with several other unacceptable behaviors.
Only once was there anything significant to report, and it happened while we were in the McDonalds drive-thru. We had just passed the hotel that he had been staying in when he was brought into care and went into his own little world. He was talking to himself when I heard him say something to the effect of "I will put my pee-pee on you and we will kiss on the lips". I said "what?" and he said "oh, uh, I want french fries"
That type of behavior has nearly completely ceased. This weekend I was watching my friend's children and there was a boy who is a few years older than MrBrawn here. As is typical for that age group, I put them in the bathtub together. I was out of sight, but within hearing. I heard MrBrawn say "let's put our pee-pees on each other". I moved in closer and heard the other little guy say, "huh?" and MrBrawn said, "we should play pee-pee sandwich" other little guy said "I think we should play a different game." I walked in and asked MrBrawn if he had played that game before. He said "yeah, with my dad" I said, "well, I've never heard of it, how do you play?" He said "we put butter on our pee-pees and then put them on each other and make a sandwich."
Needless to say, this will be discussed with a mental health counselor.
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