My Latest Epiphany

Tonight I was discussing Christmas present ideas with my Mother-in-Law and I told her that MrMonkey is "into" dinosaurs and dragons and MrBrawn is "into" Monster Trucks and other big machinery. That's a pretty normal conversation, right?But as I drove away, I realized that even 6 months ago these boys were not "into" anything! We had several gift giving occasions when all of us adults would scratch our heads wondering what to get them.
I called my dad. "Dad, remember in college, we learned about that guy, Maslow maybe, that said there was a pyramid of needs?" "Yes, Maslows Heirarchy of Needs" "Well, I think I have seen it in action."
According to this theory, built into a pyramid, without our basic needs being met, we cannot focus on anything else.

Obviously at least some of their basic Physiological needs were being met before they came to our house. I am not sure, even, where taking an interest in certain types of toys would fit on this pyramid. However, I can say that I strongly feel like they have gone from being on the bottom rung to knowing that their Physiological and Safety needs are being met and they are working through the Love and Belonging and Esteem tiers. Those of you who know these boys and love them as dearly as we do, what do you think?

Do I feel the winds of change?

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills

  (Chinese proverb)

The boys have been with us for over 10 months now. They met their new caseworker, Kate, on Thursday. She is young, but seems to have a no-nonsense approach to things. I had met her last Tuesday at an FCRB (Foster Care Review Board). 

This is the second FCRB that we've had. They are a bi-annual event in which a group of representatives hears details about the case and then brings that information back to the judge. Herein lies a point of interest. Children under the age of 36 months are supposed to have a permanency plan within 6 months of the case being opened. Hmm, and yet, we're at our second FCRB?

Anyway, CPS and I were the only ones who attended the FCRB. Am I the only one who thinks it odd that the biological mother did not attend a very important meeting?! Since BioMom has another child in protective care, there was a lot of talk about him, and not so much about my boys. I left feeling as though I had wasted my time. But, I did get to meet Kate; and I was there to show my support for my little guys.

On Thursday we talked a bit more in depth. Kate had a ton of questions. I asked her if she got a think folder and she told that just for this case she was given 8 files about 2 inches thick each! Since there have been so many caseworkers, and since this is a two cases in one situation, information is hard to find and misfiled. I attempted to get her caught up with the case as much as possible. 

Today was a big day in our household. MrBrawn started his first day of public preschool. We all got up early, and then loaded into the car to drive a couple hundred feet to the bus stop. He was so excited. As we got closer to the school bus, though, he clung tighter to my hand. By the time we made it to the doors, I had to pick him up onto the bus.

This was scary for me, too. This baby, whom I’ve been caring for almost a year, had to climb onto a huge school bus, much bigger than I remember them being, then go to a school site, get off the school bus, then be loaded onto a shuttle bus, and then delivered to his school. My heart was anxious as I anticipated his fear and all the newness of school. What if he didn’t know where to go? What if he got lost in the shuffle? What if he wandered off?

Today was an early day. He has early days for the first half of the week; Thursday and Friday are full days. True to first day of school form, his bus was nearly an hour late bringing him home. He had fallen asleep just before arriving home. As he wearily climbed off the bus he said to me, “Mom, I was on a couple buses today, I think like 4.” My heart swelled with pride that my 4 year old had gone out into the world and conquered it. 

While MrBrawn was riding buses all over the county, all of us on the CFT (Child Family Team) had a teleconference this morning. This meeting should happen monthly, and recently has begun to. During the meeting we discuss the boys' strengths and improvements, needs, and any other points of concern. Also during this time CPS does a "staffing" in which all the "staff" (mental health workers, visit supervisor, CPS, etc) discuss the case plan and if the parents are following it. 


For a while I have been frustrated because these little boys are traveling all over the place and are not able to be home at a decent time most nights of the week, but especially Wednesday which seems to create some naughty behaviors. We, as a team, were able to come up with a plan that they will now go to their mother's house one day per week for 4 hours, instead of 2 days per week for 2 hours. I am excited to see how this all works out!


After the meeting Kate called me to ask me some more questions. It is encouraging to have had so much contact from her already. She has apologized that the system has already let these boys down and she seems to have made it her personal goal to bring some type of permanency to their lives. And this is the part that I always get to..... I guess we'll wait and see.....

This is not a quick process

    We had another court date today. It got a little tense during the middle. The State, which is CPS, stated that they would like a concurrent plan, that means 2 plans at once, one to reunify the family, and one to severe and adopt. At first, the children's attorney concurred, but then he changed his recomendation to severance and adoption, stating that the CASA would have more to say. Mother's attorney stated that she is complying with the case plan. Father's attorney requested a Supplemental Permanency Hearing since Father is incarcerated until Thanksgiving. CASA then stated that MrBrawn has an unusual fetish with his penis and recommends the services of a Master Counselor. At that point we had some discussion about the behaviors and I informed the judge about the doctor appointment a few weeks back and what had occurred. Infant and Child Development Department brought to attention that MrMonkey is already 2 years old so we need to make a final decision soon according to law. There will be a trial for the parents of the other child in this case, who does not live with us, the beginning of November. We go back to court on November 30th, exactly one year after placement.
    At that point, MrMonkey will have lived with us for 44% of his life! MrBrawn will have been with us for 21% of his life. 21% of my life, would be nearly 7 years! This can not be healthy for these babies.
    As we've said each time, we'll just keep loving them and giving them a good foundation, and see what happens.

The rambling in my brain

     I went to a Confidentiality Training last Saturday as it pertains to Foster Care. It was basically as waste of my time since the speaker was not really prepared for a bunch of strong willed foster parents with lots of questions. The only thing I learned was that if I break the law it will cost me a lot of money and maybe some time in jail. But, is this a form of breaching confidentiality? Have I given any confidential information to you? Would you know be able to identify the Case Plan? Would you be able to identify the biological family? Or the children themselves if you did not see them with me? I believe that I am protecting my children's confidential information while still sharing this extremely emotional journey. Though, the lady tried to tell me that I cannot even give a specific court date, such as "pray for me on the 18th because we're going to court". Personally, I think she's a bit carried away. So what if I'm going to court that day? So what if I tell you? If you know that I am a foster parent, then you know that I go to court. Most foster parents have more than one placement at a time, and I am not identifying which placement or why I am going to court. So, please pray for me, because we're going to court the middle of next week. Is that good enough? :)
     We've had another roller coaster month. Since we do have court at the end of the month, all of the grown ups in charge of the kids have to see them within 30 days of the court date. Of course, with all those interviews, which I have to speak for the children during, the whole history of the case is reviewed. I realized last week that I have been holding some very hard feelings against the biological family and I need to forgive them. I've prayed about it a lot, but I don't think I've successfully forgiven them yet.
     I heard through the grapevine, you know those other people bound to confidentiality laws, that the court case is ongoing for older brother. I now understand why kids in the foster care system are there for so long. Court is nearly always scheduled for 3 months out and never are decisions made quickly. While it seems like it would be best, this is not a decision to be made quickly or lightly. If the decision to place them back into the home of the biological family is made too rapidly, there is a chance of putting the children into danger. If the decision to sever them from family is made too quickly the children may lose the chance to live with their family despite their parents straightening their life out.
     I feel so torn. I know these children's parents love them. I also know that there is a history of at least one parent having been a foster child them self. I am sure that neither parent was given great foundation for raising children well.
     On the other hand, I feel that the parents are very selfish and self-centered. We rarely receive phone calls, though they have unlimited permission to call (though the children have to be on speaker phone for supervision purposes, a common practice in foster care). If my children were in care you can bet your bottom dollar I would call everyday! Or at the very least, every other day. When they do call I coach the children on sharing what they are doing, but it is hard to keep them caught up on the daily lives of active children without consistent communication. How is that preparing for having them back in their home?
     These babies are growing so quickly, and they are missing it! I am so blessed to see these children growing and blossoming.
     MrMonkey who knew less than 8 words at placement now speaks in complete sentences, and even paragraphs! He's at the top of his 2 year old class. He's nearly doubled in height, though his weight has stayed about the same. He finally is mostly free of a constantly runny nose. He knows nearly every color in the rainbow and loves to impart his knowledge.
     MrBrawn, oh what progress he's shown! Remember, the F bomb being dropped every third word? The complete lack of understanding when he was disciplined? No knowledge that a dirty diaper was gross and unacceptable for a big boy? Virtually no knowledge of letters, numbers, shapes, colors? Well, he now is so well behaved (most of the time) that he asked me, "Mama, may I get into these things?" (He was talking about my office supplies, highlighters, scissors, etc.) He knows how to count to twenty and is beginning to identify the actual numeral. He can correctly identify all of the letters of the alphabet, and he knows all his shapes and colors. He is learning to write his name and has begun Jui Juitsu class.
     I try not to let my Mama Bear brain get going when I think about these kids. What if they go back? Will they lose all this progress? Will MrMonkey be taken off his medication and go back to being a sickly child? Will it become acceptable to use every 4 letter word known to man? Will they be hurt? Abused? Neglected? And if they go back into care, it is nearly guaranteed they will not come back to our home.
     Once again, I need to give it to the Lord, and rest in the knowledge that these are His babies first and foremost. I'd love to hear what any of you readers has to say.

Moving Forward

    The boys' half-brother had a court hearing a few weeks ago. At that hearing the case plan was changed to "severance for adoption by non-relative". After he is severed they will no longer see each other. The reason for this is that they never lived together as siblings, and the older brother asked to remain separated.
    I am unsure how this will affect my boys' case. I am sure that it will have some weight on the matter. BioMom plans to have all her ducks in a row before we go back to court at the end of August.

An interesting observation

The last few nights I've observed something. I am not sure if this is new or if it has just recently caught my eye.
Most children sleep with abandon. You know what I mean, right? Their legs and arms are flopped every which-way, mouths gaping open, blankets tussled around them. MrBrawn sleeps, at least recently, on his back, eyes gently closed, mouth gently closed, arms folded on his chest/tummy. Each time I have checked in on the kids this week, I find him, lying perfectly still, as though he is pretending. I even turned on the light and took a picture tonight, he's not pretending!
I think this is a new occurrence. He has fallen out of bed in the past, he also has had a habit of yelling out in his sleep. I wonder if there are any studies about our sleep postures? Or the sleep postures of little ones. This little one has the weight of the world on his shoulders. My heart aches for him. I want so badly to make everything better for him, but it is not in my control. I will just continue to love on him and see where it goes from here.

Oh that boy!

MrBrawn was full of it last night! First he didn't want to share the salt shake with MsBrains, so he dumped the whole thing onto his own plate. Then, MsBrains came running to tell me that he cut his hair. I went into the bathroom and he told me "I put it back", there was a pretty good chuck of hair that fell to the floor when I ran my hands through his hair but no bald spots.
When they called their parents, she told me that "Daddy had said goodbye" and the MrBrawn was pretty upset. I heard MrBrawn tell MsBrains when they got home that his daddy would be going to jail for a few minutes (really, it's a few months, but time is a tough concept). The parents also told me that the first normal visit of the week next week is cancelled because Dad will be turning himself in. MrBrawn is not yet aware of that.
Sometimes I wonder what is truly best for the children. They are much more "stable" when they are here without any visits. But, I know they love their parents and I know I would want to see my parents, faults and all, if I was in the situation as a child. Our system is certainly not perfect, but what would be a better option? Since I'm not in charge of those things I will just keep loving on these little guys and making life as stable for them as I can.